happy anniversary to me
About 6 months ago I sat across the coffee table from my therapist.
I was playing with her little sand tray trying to find all the different patterns I could create with my mini rake, sifting through the sand.
We had been discussing the difficult year prior and all it’s woes and weary memories and now it was time for the hard part.
“Are there victories? How can you create time and space to celebrate?”
I paused. For a long time. I knew there were victories, but it was hard to place them and decide how to celebrate them properly.
She then explained the premise of “future planning” (which is something that has totally changed my life.)
My therapist, we’ll call her Hope, this seems to be fitting…
So Hope explained that future planning works for many things, but ultimately if you know specific dates, times or seasons that will be a challenge, you future plan.
Example) When one is pregnant, there’s lots of future planning that goes into play not only to prepare for a child, but also to plan for the different stages of pregnancy and potentially postpartum. Having a layout prepared of what needs to get done, a routine, a schedule in advance, is extremely helpful for the -in the moment- moments full of chaos where it can be difficult to make decisions.
I should also say, I’m not pregnant. lol. But Hope used this analogy to help me understand.
So, for me, I can pinpoint exact dates that are triggering and difficult. I can point to a specific week (or sometimes even months) where the spirals are likely to occur.
So this was really the easy part. I can pretty easily identify when grief will bubble up and life gets hard.
BUT - the exciting part about future planning that I had NEVER considered, but now feels so obvious, is to PLAN and SCHEDULE moments of rest, relaxation, fun, celebration - around those days/weeks/months of grief. Like the adult version of self-soothing.
And this opened my eyes to the importance of delight and celebration.
I used to do this so naturally, and I can’t quite pinpoint what changed. Perhaps because all of it did? But eventually I came to this point where I’ve gotten really bad at intentional moments of celebration.
SO.
I went home and cracked open my journals from the last decade of life and started searching for some new dates to celebrate.
A date in particular was March 17th, 2022.
Hey that’s not so long ago! Go me!
It was spring break. Near the end of quite possibly one of the hardest years of teaching.
And right in the middle of possibly the hardest 2 years of my life thus far.
I know I’ve mentioned it several times by now. Or at least it feels like I have. And maybe someday I’ll expand more. Or maybe not.
- The silly thing is, is that those who are likely reading know, in depth, at least one aspect of what made this season so difficult. But I’m not quite sure anyone reading this knows EVERY aspect of what made this season so difficult. And not for my lack of vulnerability, but simply for the sake of the NUMEROUS hard hits I took in this season. (And also, I might add, not out of choice. Isn’t it weird that in my brain I feel like it would be so much easier to accept these hardships if I had just done something to screw up? Like, if I made dumb decisions, yeah that makes life hard? What of it? But I made some really GOOD decisions. And the things that were hard were totally out of my control. And that really sucked and I’m forever processing why that’s how life just goes sometimes.) So I’m not sure any one person knows the whole story because I often felt I needed to spare the gory details in every relationship I had in order to refrain from sounding like straight up Sadness in the first 1/2 of Inside Out. -
Okay so back to March 17, 2022.
I guess, rewind just a little more for a backstory.
On the last day of school I wanted to drive straight home and do nothing but I knew I needed food and I didn’t want to make it. I had been looking forward to this break since PRETTY MUCH the first day back to school in January. Every day just felt like a mountain climb to get to the next break. So I decided I would go home and not cook. And in order to do that I needed to get food. And what I was craving was Taco Bell. I MEAN COME ON. I never eat out but when I need a quick meal, it’s either Taco Bell or Chick-fil-A that I crave. And on that day, nothing could satisfy my hunger pangs like a Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
So I hit up the drive through.
Or, rather, hit* the drive through.
I hit a pole.
More specifically, I hit the Taco Bell exit sign.
Well, kind of. EVEN MORE SPECIFICALLY I hit the pole that was placed firmly into the ground in order to protect the already hit and leaning Taco Bell exit sign because it was CLEARLY not good placement. Right? I, mean, I obviously wasn’t the only one who hit something in this corner of the drive through?!?!?
Yeah so I swung through the drive through, grabbed my sack of food from the drive through worker and as I was setting my bag carefully on my passenger seat and WHAM! I not so carefully drove straight into the pole instead of taking a slight left to curve out of the drive through.
I’m telling you. This year was just a shit show. lol.
Hit after hit - not all sarcasm.
SO HAPPY SPRING BREAK TO ME!
I was really sad.
But leading up to this point I knew I needed to make some changes in my life. And this was just the icing on the cake. Or the fake cheese slathered onto the cheesy gordita crunch, rather, since now that’s all I can think about.
I knew I needed therapy again in my life. I knew I needed to see a doctor about other health conditions and I had always wanted to see a holistic doctor (don’t come for me.) I wanted my chiropractor back in my life. I wanted to feel good in my body and move around with people.
And on March 17, 2022 on sat on my couch and made a shit ton of phone calls and talked to a whole LOAD of people and insurance and terrible hold music, all in order to put action to these desires and make these dreams reality.
I called the car shop, got my car in ($2k worth of damage later - most expensive cheesy gordita crunch EVER)
I found a primary physician that’s holistic AND MY INSURANCE COVERED EVERYTHING. C’mon!
I scheduled an appointment with my Chiropractor - she’s the best.
I found an optometrist and penciled in an eye appointment (because it had been years, oopsies)
I found Hope. Both literal and metaphorical. Scheduled a therapy appointment.
And, my friend invited me to ORANGETHEORYYYY! And I immediately drank the kool-aid and became a member.
My whole life changed. And even though the next few months were still really REALLY hard, I now had an entire crew of people who were here to professionally help me walk through some stuff and come out on the other side, better.
Yesterday I took several moments to reflect and be thankful.
I celebrated with an Orangetheory work out (injured. lol. nearly herniated disc is the synopsis. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read this blog. If you do know what I’m talking about, don’t worry! I barely broke a sweat on the bike, skipped the rower and walked on treads. IT’S FINE. I’ve learned how to still move through injury for healing while also listening to my body carefully to not prolong the pain and injury. Look at me! Growth!)
It was emotional to me for many reasons.
Not only have I healed so much in this last year, but even as I stepped onto the treadmill with an injured back, I was ABSOLUTELY fine with being the only one walking instead of running. I didn’t care what I looked like to anyone else, and I loved what I saw in the mirror. I didn’t care about impressing anyone or burning more calories than the next person, or rowing a higher stroke rate than my neighbor. I realized I was doing something good for my body, JUST FOR ME.
There’s a lot to celebrate.
And so, after I stretched and said bye to my new gym pals, I grabbed my things out of my locker and before I left I took a pit stop in the restroom. I looked in the mirror and told that girl I was so proud of her. And I quickly whipped out my phone to capture the moment in hopes that NO ONE would open the door as I took it. Because as much as I am the girl who reads tons of blogs and LOVES these little captured moments worth scrapbooking to remind one of all the memories, I am also the girl who passes judgment and laughs at those willing to take selfies in public.
And maybe that’s just something I have to process with Hope later.
With that, I hope you celebrate your victories and take care of yourself.
I hope you love what you see when you look in the mirror, even if there’s no one else to tell you, I hope you take the time to appreciate yourself, for yourself.
Take care and talk soon,
L
