I hope our vines cross paths

I hate selfies. And I know what you're thinking "it doesn't look like you do??"

But this morning I challenged myself to take real, raw, unedited pictures for this blog.

So, enjoy my morning selfie sesh #iwokeuplikethis

For much of my life, I cared what I looked like.

No, I take that back.

For much of my life, I cared what other people thought I looked like.

“Do they think I’m pretty?”

“Do they think I’m ugly?”

“Do they think I’m attractive?”

“Do they think I’m fat?”

“Do they think I’m skinny?”

Eventually I forced myself to believe that physical appearance isn’t everything and personality is where it’s at.

“Do they think I’m fun?”

“Do they think I’m boring?”

“Do they think I’m too much?”

“Do they think I’m not enough?”

“Do they think I’m smart?”

As you can see, the need to please was a bottomless pit that exhausted every square inch of me to the point of madness.

I didn’t just become a people pleaser, I became a woman who craved attention and fed off of people’s acceptance.

But over the course of the last year, I finally came to a stopping point. I found myself at the bottom of that pit. I had finally arrived.

The arrival was a long anticipated one for sure, one that answered all my questions and set things straight back on the course as it should be.

But what I came to realize at the bottom of that hellhole was that you will never please them all.

I’ll say it again.

You will never please them all, my dear.

I had a few realizations.

At my skinniest, people still thought I could lose a few.

At my heaviest, people told me how great I looked.

At my ugliest moments, people thanked me for my vulnerability.

And at my most angelic, some thought I was “overdoing” it.

It comes to a point where the war will never end and there will never be a victor.

I learned the importance of knowing my identity and being totally secure in it.

I learned that genuine feedback matters, but critical, mindless opinions –just don’t.

I learned that compliments and affirmation are lovely, but not imperative.

At the bottom of that pit, I surrendered. In exchange was the gift of a small seed of freedom. And in order to keep that seed alive and growing I had to give it the proper nutrients it needed; truth reading, truth speaking and lots of prayer.

I’m still on this new road of constant transformation but my freedom vines are growing.

Shame isn’t the name of my game anymore.

Truth is what I strive to fully grasp in my heart of hearts

So this is the architecture of my identity, I am building brick by brick.

I am seen.

I am heard.

I am beautiful.

I am worthy.

And best for last,

I am Loved.

I hope that you discover the bottom of your own pit too. I hope you plant your seed of freedom. And as we build our homes, brick by brick,

I hope our vines cross paths.

 “Define yourself radically as one beloved by God.

This is the true self.

Every other identity is illusion.”

Brennan Manning