The Prelude
trigger warning: sexual violation
I’ve wanted to tell this story so many times.
I’ve sat down, started typing the words, stopped.
Too many times to count.
But lately, this question has come up of “who am I and what breaks my heart enough to do something about it?”
If there is any story to be told from my life, it’s this one.
It didn’t start with anger for me. It didn’t start with fear, either.
It started with shame.
I can see shame written across someone’s face from ten miles away.
I lived that life for too long.
Ate it.
Breathed it.
Slept in it.
It eventually manifested into fear and anger, towards humans and their tendencies, but mostly towards God.
The enemy of our souls is cunning. He’s clever.
But he is never creative.
A few weeks ago, I heard a quote that spoke truth to my story and made it come alive.
“Love is the most powerful force for change in the universe.
Shame, is the second.”
I stumbled upon a TEDtalk that morning titled “what we don’t teach kids about sex.”
I couldn’t bring myself to watch it, still haven’t, because I’m not ready for the words that I would hear. But when I stumbled upon the title, it struck a chord and found its way to a fresh wound, opening it up and letting it breathe.
It prompted important questions.
“Why was I taught that sex is wrong in church?”
“…But often, out of the same mouth, spilled out sexual innuendos and comments about his hot wife from the pulpit?
“Why are those who are molested, violated, raped- so often keeping quiet? Out of all the places to feel safe, church is often not one of them.
Why?"
I was violated when I was four.
This is when the door of shame flung wide open in my life.
Two specific lies were whispered into my ears in this moment.
“Men are not to be trusted.”
“This is wrong, therefore God is mad at me.”
And just like that, at the age of four, those became my truths.
There has been a beautiful process of healing that I want to share with you over time. But I’ve learned some truths that discredit these lies completely.
Fear. I don’t have to be afraid of men anymore. In fact, the boy who violated me- I hope and pray he encounters healing from any shame. In no way do I intend to shame him because in seeking my own freedom, and attaining it,
I want to end the cycle of shame.
Both for those who have experience as the victim and the predator.
Papa loves him, too.
We don’t have to find our identity in being victims or predators.
We can find our identity in being children.
Anger- I had a long season where I was angry with the church. Because church was associated with God and I believed that He was mad at me. (Lie.) But I will say, there are moments I can recall where the church watered these lies and kept them growing inside me. Granted, I was tilling the ground.
I don’t say these things out of bitterness anymore.
I don’t want to shame the church. Again, we are trying to end the cycle, not keep it spinning.
But I say this in hopes to shake us up.
Wake us up.
The Gospel I read and the God I encounter daily isn’t always what’s being taught, preached, lived, experienced. I long for a body who seeks affection, compassion and love rather than distance, judgment and fear.
Which means I have to let go of a lot of things.
Anger. I can’t be angry anymore. I have to learn to love victims and predators of all kinds.
Fear. I can’t be afraid anymore. It’s time to take a stand for what I believe in.
Shame. I can’t shame either side. If Love and Oneness is what I’m seeking, then I have to leave separation, shaming and judgment behind.
Shame thrives on silence.
And there is nothing else in the world I hate more than shame, so, what’s stopping me?
It’s time to take a stand.
It’s time to tell my story.
