deConstructing

One year ago my life came unhinged.

I thought I knew dependance, I thought I knew exactly what I believed and why I believed it... but honestly I had no idea the level of confusion some unreal grief would bring up.

I was sitting in a room full of World Racers excited about leaving for the an 11 month international journey after receiving the hardest news of my life. My husband, on stage, singing about how we are never let down by God, and I was standing in the back pretty convinced I didn't believe a single word he was saying. I couldn't sing the words, and could barely stand in the room but I knew outside the door in the hallway stood a whole bunch of World Race staff that I didn't want to face either.

So I stood there, and pleaded with God that somehow he was going to have to make this better, that somehow He'd have to prove just how good He was because I was no longer sure it was true.

This year has led me on a path of discovery I'm not sure I would've otherwise faced. I've deconstructed and began the reconstruction process of my faith, and right now honestly I feel like a year in — it's only in the beginning stages. I have more questions then when I started and less answers then I would've hoped for but I also feel more alive and known then when I first started.

This year I've learned more about grief, forgiveness and self care then any other year. I've learned what it looks like to stand for justice but also not carry the burdens that aren't mine (this is still something I struggle with and am working on). I've learned more about inclusion and the need for safe space, and for deconstruction and reconstruction. I've been beyond blessed by the communities and people who have walked this year with me & honestly I am floored by the friendships this year has brought.

This year I learned more about my life ethos, what I am about at my core and who I am. I learned that friendships should not be based on mutual likes and dislikes alone but by souls crying out for the same truths because those friendships change things. I've learned that tribe is not at all what I thought and yet so much more then what I imagined. I've learned to say a lot of no's for the greater yes and learned what it looks like to risk bigger and harder then ever before. I've learned to allow people to see me, and even though I don't like to I'm learning to let people in.

I've never felt more unqualified as a christian or questioned my faith more then I have this last year.  I'm not sure what this next year will bring but I can tell you one thing I am more sure now of the sovereignty of the Father, of His incredible love & of redemption then I have ever been in my life. I am more sure that standing in the back of that room I would have never imagined the way this year would've turned out but I am thankful for the redemption, healing and miracles this year has brought me.