Who is the author of your story?
“Every person is a story and therefore a storyteller.
Trouble is that many fear failure, so they never begin…”
- WM.Paul Young, “Eve, A Novel”
If life for each of us is a story, then I suppose I had always envisioned a classic, predictable novel for mine. I wanted so deeply to fit in, to belong– that I took up a pen and tried to write a story that our world deems “worthy” – The long list of extracurriculars in school, the promising internships, the four-year degree all to build up to the admired career, romantic courtship (do people even call it that anymore?), happy marriage, white-picket fence and 2.5 children. And although that is a wonderful dream, I now believe that when our hearts aren’t set on the right track, and we try to pen for ourselves the story we desire, we often miss out on the adventures of life. We design our story based on our own understanding of the world around us, and in turn, potentially miss the pockets of glory that the True Author has waiting for us!
As for my story, I’ve found that for a majority of my life I held the pen but I let Fear be co-author. Fear manifests in different ways, but ultimately the fear of failure defined my relationships and decisions, limiting my joy and weighing me down with lies of unworthiness.
I once heard my co-author, Fear, referred to as “False Evidence Appearing Real” and I couldn’t agree more. Fear alters our reality. It presents evidence that sways our decisions, causing us to declare a person or situation “good” or “bad” for us. With Fear whispering in my ear, I found myself writing in people, positions and experiences that weighed “fitting-in” and assured “success” above all else. As Fear held me in invisible chains, I began to believe that this was the way it was supposed to be; that independence was making those decisions, proving that I could take care of myself and that I was able to make my dreams a reality.
Fear had me believe that I was my own author and savior...what a lie that is! In 2013, I surrendered to God when I hit rock bottom - sitting alone in an apartment in Minneapolis I cried out to Him in desperation. And do you know what He did? He gently pulled me close to Him. He reacted with grace and love to my idolatry. (Me? A savior? Not even close!). As we wiped away my tears, I stared down at the page I had written for the next chapter of my life. A promising career that had been motivated by wanting to please others and money had lost all appeal because that dream didn’t include Him. I found myself needing to dream with Him, never again on my own.
He smiled at me with that realization and together we tore out the page I had created independently. Before me sat a blank page...I closed my eyes as panic rose in me. For someone who was used to holding the pen and having a plan, a blank page seemed like failure. I was staring my fear straight in the face. What will people think? What will I do?
“My child, be still.”
When I opened my eyes, God showed me beauty of a blank page - the limitless opportunity that was there was astonishing and left me in awe. I looked at that figurative blank page and took a leap of faith to begin a new chapter with God as my author. I believe that when He has His pen in hand, God takes the world as it is and crafts the plot of our lives, intertwining us into each others' stories for a greater purpose. Every character in our book adds color to our future tale; every interaction impacting who we are and how we see the world.
In putting down my pen and giving it to the Author of the Universe, I have found that His story for me is far more captivating than the one I had tried writing for myself...
In putting down my pen, I took a leap of faith in joining the World Race to live in 11 countries. I accepted vulnerability as a part of life and invited 60 strangers to become family members. I learned the beauty of dependence and the glorious relationship that comes from surrendering to Jesus. God took me on a journey to hear thousands of new stories across the world, and in hearing theirs, they shaped mine.
In putting down my pen I gave my life back to the One and Only God.
I gave the title “Savior” back to Jesus.
I gave my heart to the only One who can love it perfectly and in doing so, cast out fear.
I don't know how long my story will be, but I know I want it to be colorful - I want it to be a "can't-put-it-down," "what-happens-next", “wow-God-is-GOOD” kind of tale... After 11 months and countless lessons I once again had a blank page before me. God put a pop of color on that blank page and a dream stirred within me. As I dreamt more, color was added and took form. My dream had vision and so here I am, saying “Yes” to the beauty He’s laid before me. My next chapter is in Bangkok, Thailand where I’ll work with my ministry hosts from month six on the World Race to teach English and minister to some of God’s prodigal sons and daughters (We’re just going to joyfully look forward to seeing some brothers and sisters come running home to Dad).
So here's to the blank pages - the pen and paper handed over to God.
Here's to living a life that is full of vibrant color, adventure, hope and joy.
Here's to opening my heart and mind to the story HE has planned for me – so patiently crafted and beautifully made – and letting it unfold before me.