bringing home strays

When I was asked to write for The Redwoods I was touched to have been asked by Lindsay. We have known each other our entire lives, been as close as friends can be, experienced more than most will in a lifetime, and have grown into what you would see as total opposites.

Totally different hair colors, spiritual practices, hobbies, lifestyles, habits, etc. There’s basically nothing that you could pinpoint as being alike with us.

As much as those differences have changed our lives and separated us we both have this unsaid agreement that when things hit the fan we will be there for each other without question. I can name so many times where Lindsay has been a shoulder to cry on. When I said without question it’s literal. It’s even more deep than that. I would say it’s without any types of judgment.

Most of my life I have struggled to fit in, take care of myself, know what’s acceptable or not in public, and have ALWAYS danced to the beat of my own drum. Some could say to a fault... I’ve followed my heart whether it hurt people in my path, and I also allowed dog poop to lay on my carpet for longer than a day. Did that just throw anyone off?! Because, YES, I said it and it’s true! I literally went through a hot mess relationship phase where not only did I eat Jimmy Johns while being sad over the 15th breakup of my first relationship, but I ALSO (apologies for the run on sentence) ate my lunch while smoking cigarettes in my apartment as dog poop laid on my floor. I can’t even believe this person was me at one point. The anxiety of smoking inside, alone scares me to death now!! Hello allergies, cancer, and my mom refusing to come over! Yikes!!

This girl, NEVER ONCE said something rude to me. She never made me feel less than or judged me (which would have been the easiest thing to do). She just simply loved me. Who’s to say she didn’t go home and tell her mom, Tricia, about how downhill my life had gone but she would’ve done it out of pure love. This chick is unconditional and I love her. I know she loves me. I’ve actually just come to realize she loves me. I know that sounds surprising.

I’ve just come to realize that ANYONE loves me.

You’re probably about to imagine some sob story as to why I never felt loved. Poor me. Right?! Maybe not, but I would be preparing myself for that right about now if I was reading this. There always is a sob story right? Behind every hot mess there’s a deep down meaningful reason as to why she (or he) turned out dirty and unable to find matching socks!

Here’s the reason why I never knew anyone loved me.

It’s because I’m a lesbian.

The word makes me cringe. My heart actually beats faster and my skin feels like it’s crawling because I’m so ashamed of myself. I feel like such an outsider, humiliated, and unaccepted. I imagine that guys immediately picture my sex life (scary), and I imagine if women are constantly wondering if I like them. Trust me, I don’t.

Here’s the thing, it’s not societies fault, really.

Of course I’ve heard the religious spiel. Yes, I know what the Bible says. I grew up in a Christian elementary school, and went to church almost every Sunday growing up. I also attended youth group on Wednesday’s. I know Bible verses, and I’ve sang in the worship center. I’ve clearly also seen the riots about “gays going to hell.” “God hates gays.”

Still though, society can say what they want but there’s an inner strength one must have to fight shame and feel worthy of love, right?

Let’s look back at that God Hates Gay thing, and if you are starting to get offended by “save the Bible verses” speech just take a deep breath and hang in there with me! I promise to have you loving me by the end and if not hopefully you will take something from these words pouring out of me!

GOD

HATES

GAYS

Wow.

1 John 2:9-10

Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness.

Okay, I’ll get off my soap box now because I could go on for ages, but it brings passion out of me. Not just on behalf of someone who is gay but for anyone- any kind of hatred, disgust or alienation.

It hurts me when people are outcasted or unaccepted. I can feel it in my core when I just typed that. I literally feel uncomfortable, and immediately want to cry and love on the person being judged. I’ve always been that way. My parents called it “bringing home strays” because I wanted to adopt anyone who needed their love meter filled. One of my best friends had blue hair, pale skin, and cursed like a sailor. She also drank a lot. We had some pretty wild times out in Gretna, Nebraska. That’s a whole other entry, but anyways, I loved her. She was hurt by her parents, and going through a hard time. Her brother denied she was physically abused, and in hindsight, even if she lied I still wouldn’t have cared. She was obviously hurting if she felt she had to lie in the first place so I wanted to love her and make her feel accepted. This was a common theme throughout my life. I don’t want you to think I pitied my friend either because by no means did I. I loved them and found their ways of living fascinating. I hung around people that were creative, brave, wild and free. I love them to this day even though I no longer see them. I always will.

Anyways, where were we? Ah yes, on the road to acceptance. SO!

I have never felt loved. Reason being? I’ve never known what it felt like to love myself.

I’ve spent the majority of 28 years being ashamed of myself. I know many people who know me would be shocked and sad knowing this.

I’ve always had a relationship with God. We talk through signs and prayers. Big signs!! I know God loves me. My parents love me as well as my brothers and my friends. If you were an outsider you would know I was loved.

On the downside of things: my grandma said gay people were “contaminated.” Some kid at my school said I was weird once I came out. Guys would crack jokes about lesbian threesomes. My dad appreciated me not holding hands with my girlfriends. Some of my friends said they would only accept me but no other gay people. That’s a lot of bad feels to get stuck inside one human body!

Once I got engaged I was ridiculed by fellow church goers and family members were not happy for me. It’s been a struggle and as much as I say it doesn’t bother me and have made myself believe that, I am now seeing the physical ramifications of hiding from my true feelings. Hello panic attacks. It hurts. I wish I could be accepted just like a straight couple.

Here’s the thing though: I never will be. Not fully. I have to live on my inner strength and go on a harder path in order to find happiness. I have to draw on personal power and pray to God that I can learn to love myself. Sometimes when it’s 11:11 I make a wish that I will accept myself one day. It’s my biggest struggle. I actually wished for this when I blew out my birthday candles in November. Anyways...

Lindsay wanted me to explain my relationship with God as a lesbian. Well, when I get back to not feeling love, for me - it really does come down to not loving myself. When I think about the fact that God loved me at my darkest and read the Bible verse Romans 5:8, “But Christ proved God’s passionate love for us by dying in our place while we were still lost and ungodly” it makes me cry. I can’t imagine anyone loving anything at that low and black of a place, but He does.

What a wonderful and humbling feeling.

I haven’t loved myself because I haven’t ever let God love me.

Or I could say that I have let him love me but not fully.

There’s one thing missing between God and I and that missing piece is me.

God loved me every time I told my mom I hated her as a teenager. Every time I made fun of someone for their appearance. He loved me the time I stepped on my brothers head so I could see what would happen. (Sadly, that wasn’t fake comedy thrown in there to add laughs! Ask my mom, I also tried to take pliers to his fingers.)

As I’m now smiling, I look over the endless list of horrible things I’ve done. The mean and hurtful words I’ve spoken and the physical harm I’ve done to myself. God never left me and actually I can picture Him holding me as I did all of these horrific things. As I write this it reminds me of what my relationship with God has always been.

Pure, unconditional love.

Through writing this I have just realized that if I let Him love me and feel it as fully as I can, I will never go hungry for love. My job is to respect my body, mind, soul, & spirit. All I need to do is love who I am BECAUSE God loves me. That’s the secret to feeling loved and accepted.

In the face of adversity always remember that God loves you.

You may be the psychedelic sheep of the family, or even the alcoholic who has failed to drop the bottle too many times to count, but it’s important to remember that God loves us. God loves me. I am loved. No matter what.

I didn’t realize the impact writing this would have on me, and I’ve been putting it off for months. But timing is divine and I can start 2019 off fresh.

I’m challenging myself this year. Any time I think a bad thought toward myself or anyone else I’m going to remind myself how much God loves me right after!

When I judge my parents because I think I know what living should look like I will breathe love back in to my heart again by reminding myself how much God loves me anyways.

From going out to the bar one to many times in a week, snapping at my fiancé, gossiping or even criticizing someone’s appearance, I will remind myself how loved I am by God. How loved by God, we all are, too.

I know by doing this it will soften my heart and I can learn to love myself. Shame has been the name of my hate game and criticizing myself and others has been a crutch to make myself not hurt as bad. It’s a hard reality pill to swallow but it’s worth looking in to. I will love myself this year. I will love others and I will love God while I let his love flow through me!!

I challenge you to try this with me this year and we can regroup in 2020 to see how it went!! #noshame2019

P.S. thank you Lindsay for being an example of Jesus. Love makes this world a better place, and I’ll never forget the moments you’ve shared this with me.

Xoxo,

Empie

*In my reference to God as male, this was not intended to offend anyone’s example of God whether that God is a "he" or "she," I am just going off of my own feelings