When forgiveness isn’t a feeling

I think each of us can relate to that feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you know you’ve messed up, you know you have an apology to give and you crave forgiveness. There is a silent sense of relief and gratification when someone accepts your apology, everything goes back to “normal” and you feel forgiven. It is not a fairytale to recall the feeling of being hurt by someone and feeling entitled to an apology. Or when someone finally admits they were wrong and hands you the apology you know you deserved. We all do it… and we all feel it.

But what if the opportunity to get an apology is gone?

What if you don’t have the chance to admit you were wrong? Are you really forgiven if you don’t feel the feeling associated with “making it right?”

On July 17th, 2016 I received a phone call that changed my life and what followed completely restructured my heart and it radically refocused what I value in my life.

It was a normal Sunday afternoon in beautiful San Diego, California. I was lying on my king sized bed with my husband talking about what to eat for dinner. My phone rang and it was my aunt, I found it completely odd that she would be calling me and when my husband said “just answer it”… I did.

"Motorcycle accident.."

"ICU.."

"your Dad.."

"it’s bad.."

The last time I had spoken to my dad was nearly four years before that phone call. After 8 years of drug use he had turned into a man I not only didn’t recognize, but I was also afraid of. He embarrassed me regularly when he was high and would go months without talking to me if he was “on a good one.” Our last conversation consisted of me (newly married and 23 years old) telling him that he had to be an adult and that I was going to create a family that was free from the roller coaster he put me on. I told him that if he couldn’t get away from the drugs and his surroundings then I would move on with my life and he could call me when he was ready to be responsible for his choices. I never heard from him after that. I would hear through family and friends when he was doing well and they would pass along the message that he loved me. I later found out he lived the last year of his life sober and serving God.

After 28 hours of medical attention my dad went to be with Jesus on July 18, 2016. I can still feel the pain of hearing the nurse’s words confirming the time of death like it was an episode of "Grey's Anatomy." I can hear my little sister screaming as I physically held her, repeating "we are going to be ok."

Those moments cut through my heart and to this day are still hard to recall. I never got to tell him I was sorry. I never got to tell him I forgave him.

"I never got to make it right” was all I could think as I sat on the floor of the hospital room.

I learned that forgiveness is not a feeling it is a choice.

I think we all often look to our feelings to confirm what we believe. We need to “feel” forgiven, valued, and important, but all those things are already decided by who God says we are. We just have to make the decision to believe the truth and choose to act on those truths.

You see, when my dad went to be with Jesus, he was made right with Him. He was forgiven. It is a concept my brain often can’t comprehend.

If I spent the rest of my life waiting to “feel” forgiven by my dad I would die waiting. If I waited to “feel” my dad’s apology was real, time would pass with no resolve.

I choose every day to remind myself that my dad has already forgiven me that he loves me and that Jesus is telling him the good things about me because that is what Jesus sees. I choose every day to remind myself that my dad is forgiven. He is with God in heaven free from all regret, sickness, addiction and anger. That is how I will choose to see him.

If you have the chance to make things right with someone, do it.

Don’t wait.

Asking for forgiveness puts the ball in the other person’s court— even though I know it is hard… risk rejection. Have the hard conversations and handle the awkward moments because your feelings will change. You actually control them so don’t wait for the right feeling to act in truth and do the right thing. If they reject you, know that you have done your part and you have a choice to control how you “feel."

But if you are like me and you felt like it was too late… like you could never make it right (even if the person is still alive but you know it is not appropriate to contact them) know that you can still do what is right because… forgiveness isn't a feeling — it's a choice.

-ang

In loving memory of Peter Anthony Vasquez