every body has a seat at the table: reflections for eating disorder awareness week
Trigger warning: eating disorders
I haven’t weighed myself consistently since 2014. That was the year I made the difficult decision that “health” was an all-encompassing term, not just a body figure or number on a scale.
I don’t have too many photos from when I was battling an eating disorder, mainly because even though I was at my “thinnest,” only 10 lbs away from an unhealthy goal weight for my body, and getting showered with compliments on how great I looked - I hated my body. I was obsessed with focusing on everything I could possibly alter with my appearance because, at the time, though this body was fighting to keep me alive - she wasn’t pretty enough. She didn’t meet a ridiculous standard set by a society and culture that breeds unhealthy beauty and productivity standards so they can profit off of our dissatisfaction.
Yuck
During the peak of my ED - no, my ribs weren’t poking out, but I remember searching for my hip bones every morning when I’d wake up and smile when they’d protrude from under the blankets before I’d roll out of bed. And though my jawbone was more defined, nothing about the few images from that time look “unhealthy” at the surface. In fact, I can’t count the many comments and affirmations I received from people who didn’t have a clue. And I can’t blame them, because neither did I.
In this time of my life I was running no less than 3 miles a day and I’d aim for 6+. All the while eating at least an apple and a protein bar a day, sometimes not much else. I lost 30 pounds in a very short amount of time, and my mental health crashed along with it.
Fast forward a few years, in some of the middle pictures of this collage are me at my moments of thriving. I’ve heard it said so many times in so many ways “one way to tell if someone is struggling is by their weight. Lose or gain, it’s often an indication of not taking care of themselves.” I don’t fully disagree. There’s some truth in it. But it’s important to remember, health is holistic. At some of my most wild + free seasons, I’d gained (or lost) weight based on various other factors. Recalling those moments, I remember looking in the mirror and not always loving my structure of flesh and bones, but having a MUCH healthier outlook on health as a whole. I remember fighting the urge to binge + purge. Pushing past my distress of calorie counting and just eating what was set in front of me. Resisting temptation to do shame-workouts. And rather finding a place to hold the tension and find the balance of giving my body what she needed physically, mentally and emotionally.
Fast forward to today. My figure has transformed entirely since my early 20’s, many times over. I can’t visibly see my ribs peeking through my skin. My thighs def touch. And I have to move around some fatty flesh in order to feel my hip bones. But this journey of love and genuine care for this beautifully created carcass is so damn worth it and GOOD. Better than that ideal number on the scale. I still battle with food and emotions and I don’t always want to put on the running shoes or yoga pants. I still have some changes I wish I could make to my body some days. But overall, this wholistic divine being is falling in love with her body, as is.
All this to say, eating disorders don’t have a “look.” They can appear healthy, athletic, happy even. But they are a slippery slope that destroy us from the inside out.
Pro-tip: “you look great” is not the greatest compliment. I received that one too many times to count with my ED. Instead, try - “It’s so good to see you,” or “I’m happy to be with you today” or really anything other than pointing out the physical. Oftentimes, it’s not the clearest reflection to what’s happening within.
